Headsquiggles.

why is it always “You don’t LOOK gay,”

and never “Wow, you’ve shattered the stereotype-driven image of gayness I’ve been conditioned to accept. I should rethink my definition of queerness. Thank you for that.”

my submission to BuzzFeed’s “Oprah Running from Things.”

“We’re just friends, like Oprah and Gayle!”

Someone just hurled a gay slur at me. …I’M FINALLY ON PEOPLE’S GAYDARS!! WOOOOOT.

i have this theory that gaydar doesn't exist. so sometimes i think about ways i can make myself obviously gay, so other lesbians will know. for example:

Me: I'd like a coffee, please.

Barista: Would you like it with cream and sugar?

M: No, I TAKE MY COFFEE STRAIGHT. UNLIKE MY WOMEN. Unless my coffee's curious. In which case, I'll take the creamer on the side.

Accidentally touched a cute girl’s hand on a bar on the train. V: Sorry! CG: That’s okay!

(CG proceeds to smile at me a little too long. Embarrassed, I avoid eye contact, thinking, “Probably straight. Flippin’ a. Don’t creepily stare.” Not til I chance a glance up and see her Legalize Gay shirt’s reflection do I realize, “Hey, I’m a dumbass.”)

my gaydar is so bad when it comes to women that sometimes i feel like i need to turn to drastic measures to draw women Out.

for instance, say i’m at a coffee shop:

Barista: Would you like cream and sugar with that?

Me: No. I take my coffee straight. UNLIKE MY WOMEN. ::”casual” gaze around the room::